Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Songs that save my life #3

Tell me if I'm going crazy
But everything you said amaazed me
It seems to easy on the ear to
Be something I should adhere to
You tell me to just simply wonder
Rather than take shelter under
And open my heart to the thought that
Life is something you're not caught at.

Too easy to get lost in progress
I didn't see you there in light dress
And suddenly the world seems so small
You fit it all inside our front hall
Eddison would spin in his grave
To ever see the light that you gave
Don't want to take it nice and slow here
Don't want to waste a minute more dear

The universe just vanished out of sight
And all the stars collapsed behind their pitch black night
And I can barely see your face in front of mine
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine

Maybe it's the warmer climate
Maybe I'm a smarter primate
Maybe it's the beer I'm drinking
Maybe I stopped over thinking
Baby your the words and chapters
The sweetness in the morning afters
You are the cry that turns to laughter
You're the hope that ends disaster

The universe just vanished out of sight
and all the stars collapsed behind their pitch black night
And I can barely see your face infront of mine
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine

The universe is just an empty space
And all the stars can disappear without a trace
I'm so glad that this has taken me so long
Cause it's the journey that made me so strong
~Snow Patrol

Monday, May 01, 2006

The future freaks me out

So, previously, I've suggested that clarity can be found in conversation, but that is certainly not the only place. When I have misplaced myself in a crowded city, I can be found by looking at street signs. When driving, maps and guides clarify my route. Sometimes, taking time away from a problem or source of confusion seems to help clarify it -- proximity has an effect. Other times, the answer to a question lies within, and we have only to trust in our own decisions to feel alright and "clear" about a decision, event, relationship, etc.
Other times, clarity and resolve seem to sit just out of reach. Where did I put my cell phone? Where will I live next year? Why do I dread changes one minute and relish them the next? I have no answers to these questions. And trust me, I've looked within and without.
I've had the same dream 3-4 times in the past week which is strange for me because I generally don't remember my dreams or repeat them. However, this one is rather vivid and frightening and wonderful. It begins in a video store where I keep losing track of my companions (a man and woman I know I know but have yet to recognize). There is a storm raging outside and we are trying to find a film to watch but keep losing track of each other. There are other people in the store as well and each of them comments on the weather as I pass them. "Quite a storm." "I wouldn't want to be out in this weather." "Great night to watch the Perfect Storm, Hehe!" etc. This scenario continues for a while, then cuts to me on a yellow tugboat with three other people (not the people from the video store). One is a blonde woman who is maybe 18 years old and very scared because we are not only in a tugboat, but it is caught in the very storm everyone in the warm, dry video store was commenting on. I find myself wishing I had just picked a movie. The captain runs about the boat trying to keep it afloat. "Everything's alright!" He shouts at me and my blonde charge (because it's become clear that I'm responsible for her somehow). I want to believe him. He seems capable. He successfully navigates that boat through large waves, and places Blondy and myself in the only dry corner of the ship. I decide to focus on the blonde and ignore the storm. Someone else is taking care of that. I have my own job to do. The boat bucks in the storm. I hold onto and comfort the young woman, though I know I'm scared as well. The boat tips 90 degrees, and I am sure I'm going to fall into the raging water. The captain is still at the wheel, and suddenly this largish arm comes around my waist and I hear the words, "Hold on." As the boat settles back into the water, a ruggishly good looking man checks to make sure that I am settled back away from the storm. "Where did you come from?" I ask. "Why are you out here?" He answers with a question. I explain the reason, though I can never remember why we're on the boat when I wake up. He stares at me (and his eyes are gor-geez-ous!) and looks worried and disappointed and concerned. And then I remember. He's in love with someone else, but keeps claiming to be in love with me and I keep telling him that he is absolutely not. "You're in love with her, not me! Did you hit your head? That's where you're going. Why you're on the boat in first place! To see her!" I shout into the wind. And he just stares back and sighs. The boat continues to be tossed around in the storm and he continues to save my life but I know I don't trust him. I just don't know why.
And then I wake up.
It's certainly not a nightmare, because everything is "okay" the entire dream. Someone capable is steering the ship, I'm focused on my work, someone is always saving my life. But it is unsettling... and doesn't require an advanced degree to interpret. I have a lot of choices (video store) and no one can help me make them (inability to find companions). The future appears tumultuous, and yet I have faith that I'll sail through (and really due to someone/something else rather than myself) but I'm devoted to my task/career/students. And in trying to save them I sometimes almost lose myself. But there is someone/something else there to make sure I don't get lost-- my support system if you will-- which I may not want to trust (cause trusting in something else means that if it's not there your SOL until you figure out/find something else) but I do. I go back to making sure the blonde is okay because I know the guy with the pretty eyes will catch me if I start to slip again... even if I yell at him about not knowing what he's doing.
Yeah... that about sums up how I'm feeling these days. It's a precarious balance, but I'm hopeful that I'll end up where I'm supposed to.

Betty won’t stop listening to modern rock
How she hates to be alone
I try to compensate her lack of love with coffee cake
Ice cream and a bottle of ten dollar wine she says hey
I rock the Haro sport
I rock the cow girl blues
I rock too fast for love I’m footloose in my Velcro shoes
What’s up with Will and Grace?
I don’t get drum and bass
The future freaks me out

Betty can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist
How come we’re so alone
We waste away the days with nicotine and television samples
From an era we hate to admit we embrace
We fail to represent
We fail to be content
We fail at everything we ever even try to attempt
And so the story goes
As only Betty knows
It’s time to take control

Betty it’s so hard to relate
To the whole human race
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know where to begin
If we can both find a way
To do the things that we say
We might not sit in our rooms
And drink our daydreams away
Betty, I’m a dreamer
No I’m not a vicious schemer
Oh Betty won’t you..

I'm on fire
And now I think I'm ready
To bust a move
Check it out I'm rocking steady
To the beat in my head it goes oh-oh-oh-oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down.
~The Future Freaks Me Out, Motion City Soundtrack